Shattered dreams
by Shiguya Retomasi
Summary: No one can just walk away from the memories of a loved one, but when those thoughts begin to consume your life, what then? Is there an escape from the pain, a way to stop feeling? For one, that escape is in suicide... the cowards way out. Enjoy.


Disclaimer: all characters, places, and recognized names are copy write their respective owners. Anything else is mine, so please don't be a thief; Shadowbane doesn't appreciate it.

( ) means a Pokèmon is speaking and that is a translation only if any characters present cannot hear it as a normal language.

**Shattered dreams**

Sunrise. For many it's a beautiful sight; the hazy glow of the morning light slowly brightening, as the sun made its way up from the horizon, piercing the gloom of night and ushering in a new day. The Goldenrod Dept. store was silhouetted against the sun, casting its shadow across much of the town.

So many times I've watched its soft beauty, but now it doesn't bring me any joy… not since Etan was killed. Now, all it does is remind me that I have to spend another day forever separated from my love. It's been exactly one year since that fateful day, Still I wonder, could I have done something different? What if I had reacted sooner? Why didn't I see the gun until too late? Why did it have to be her?

My only escape is through sleep; in my dreams, I can leave this harsh reality behind and be reunited with her, free from the pain of being alone. So many times I've thought about committing suicide; ending my time in this mortal plane and being reunited with her on the other side. I've even tried a few times, but Blake and Dan were there to stop me. Why can't they understand? I have nothing to live for in this world, I'm alone…

They want to help me, to understand the unending pain which torments my every waking moment. But, how can they? How could either of them ever know what it's like to watch the one who shares your heart die in your arms?

Blake tried to comfort me after that day, saying that he was there if I ever needed to talk; as if talking could help. He's a good human, but he could never understand; I'm just weighing his life down with my misery. And Dan… so many times he's come to my room and tried joking about better times… I even at laughed a few of them. But, the pain always returns, striking at my weakest hour and sapping away what little happiness I have; no matter what I did, no matter who I am around… I am alone in this world.

Today was no different. While they headed into town for groceries, I stayed behind; saying that the time alone would be nice. Dan was a bit apprehensive after my last attempt at hanging myself, but Blake let me stay. He's trusting, if not naïve; I'm sure he knew I would try again, yet he went against that judgment and let me stay. He was right; I was going to try again. And this time, they aren't here to stop me.

When they had left, I climbed up onto the barn like Etan and I used to do in the old days; only this time, I wasn't coming down using the ladder. So here I am now, sitting on the roofs peak, wondering what dying is like. Would it be painful? Most likely, seeing as I was about to fall thirty feet onto solid ground; definitely breaking my neck and quite a few other bones in my body. But, I have to do this; I can't keep going on alone…

That fateful night, Etan and I were making our way through the back alleys of Goldenrod; our arms locked around each other in a loving embrace… I remember it so well; we were having a night on the town together, pretending to be just friends. Our actual relationship would have been considered disgusting by most human standards, but we didn't care. For us, love knew no bounds. Oh, that night could have lasted forever… but it wasn't to be.

A man wearing ragged cloths approached us.

o0o0o0o0o0o0

Even from a distance it was obvious the human was drunk; he moved in a trance, stumbling several times and stopping frequently to regain his balance. As he approached, I was hit with the stench of stale cigarettes and cheap liquor; the sickening mixture of odors hung around him like an urchin's cologne.

Neither of us really paid him any mind, bums were harmless in this part of town; just walk by and don't give them any money and you're fine…or so we thought. As he approached, the human began yelling gibberish and waving his arms around. None of it made any sense; he was screaming at the top of his lungs, distorting anything that could be considered human speech into a garble of strange noises. We walked past carefully, making sure not to interrupt his wild ranting as we passed. The humans' tantrum finally claimed what little balance, causing him to fall sideways into a group of trash bins; the loud echo of clanging metal drowning out his cry of pain.

"(Idiot.)" I muttered, shaking my head and gently leading Etan onward. He was just a drunk, nothing worth stopping over. I was determined not to let our evening be ruined by some human down on his luck, but things rarely turn out how you want them.

The intoxicated human was flailing around, trying to untangle himself but only managing to make his situation worse. Etan wanted to help, but I held her back. It was best if we just left him alone, humans do very strange things when influenced by drugs.

The banging and yelling faded as we walked, finally stopping as we turned a corner. Etan was still a little upset about leaving him there, so I pulled her into a gentle hug to try and make it up to her. Oh, that moment could have lasted forever and I wouldn't care; we were so lost in the moment that neither of us noticed a second human appear from the shadows… until he spoke.

"Hand over your wallet. Now!" I'll remember that voice forever; that cold, deep baritone. My first instinct was to flatten him; nobody messes with MY Etan. But leave it to my better half to try and find a quiet solution. Despite my quiet protest, she did as the mugger demanded; handing over both her wallet and the money pouch she was holding for me. Time slowed as I caught a glimpse of metal; at first I thought the human had pulled a knife, but when a loud bang rang out I knew what it was.

The world was a blur…the mugger laughing coldly, Etan crumpling to the ground… something snapped in me. One moment I was standing there dumbstruck, the next I was soaked in blood…the mugger's blood. I… I don't know what happened… a sharp pain from my arm brought reality hurling back; I rushed over to where Etan lay, ignoring the pain and picking her up gently… I knew by how much blood she already had lost the wound was fatal, the bullet had pierced her left lung; a wave of crimson flowed every time she took a breath.

"Etan…" My voice was choked… how could this happen? We… we were going to move away, go somewhere we could live in peace…

"Blackglade…" Blood bubbled from her lips, further staining her clothes.

"Shh, don't try to talk, you need your strength." Hot tears flowed down my cheeks, even as I tried to act confident.

"You always were a bad liar… I'm dying and you know it." She smiled faintly, coughing once. I didn't know what to do… I felt so helpless…

"Don't worry about me; you just take care of yourself. And remember… I'll always love you…" She started coughing again, body rocking with each one. I held her close in those final moments, her heartbeat faded…then stopped.

She died in my arms, cruelly taken from me… I cried out, letting my sorrow carry along the night air. It must have attracted the attention of some humans passing by, because the next thing I know the police arrived; shouting and running around wildly. Most of it didn't make sense… I didn't even put up a fight as they lead me away to a waiting car, the shock still had an iron grip on me.

It was a shock to learn I had ripped the mugger apart; violence was something I had vowed to never take part in after retiring. But the evidence was undeniable; several parts of what was left of him bore telltale marks. They want me executed as a dangerous creature, but Blake stood up for me. He managed to convince them that I acted only to protect my trainer... My mate, even though they didn't know that.

I wanted death, the punishment for both my act against the mugger, and the one Etan and I had committed long before... but, they linked me to a parole ball for life.

I was placed under Blake's care; he even paid the outrageous bail charges. He said I would always have a home with him, but why should I have cared? Wherever I was, I was forever incomplete... My other half wrenched from me that night.

o0o0o0o0o0o0

I continued to stare, preparing myself for this final act. Even now I can't hold back the tears; just thinking about her soft voice brings back the pain. I wear a stone faced mask whenever anyone is around, pretending to be in control…but when I'm alone, I just can't fight it anymore.

Even the warm summer breeze reminds me of her, the way we used to lay together those long nights, staying close for warmth. Those long days spent fighting side by side, never knowing if we would live to see another day. Even the down time on base… those awkward moments where I wanted to just tell her, but couldn't.

We fell in love out in the wild, fighting against Team Aqua and Team Magma… Well; I fell in love with her then. Whether her feelings were mutual at that time I don't know. It did become mutual one night, just outside of Lavaridge town.

We had just cleared out a Team Magma camp and were taking a much needed break… maybe it was something in the air, but that night I finally came clean about my feelings. That night, with only the stars as my witness I told her everything… And she didn't run or call me a freak… No, she understood. I guess it was fate we found happiness in each other, even though society forbid our love…

o0o0o0o0o0o0

I could barely feel the tears rolling down my face as I stood up, preparing for my leap into the afterlife. With no one to stop me I could finally escape this torture and be with her again… But. something stopped me. It was as if someone was speaking, but I couldn't really make it out. That sound… it was so familiar… could it be?

I closed my eyes and concentrated; trying to block out all other distractions and hear only that sound. It was like a whisper carried on the breeze, foreign in its speech and yet… I had heard it before. A voice, calling out in the warm air… it was hard to make out, like someone whispering from across a room…

My mind refused to cooperate with me, choosing to drift back to a time back in the heart of Hoenn when Etan and I were pinned down by a large Magma force. Out there, I made a vow to never leave her side; to always be there and protect her. It was also that day I worked up the courage to tell her everything…I couldn't risk losing her, not before she knew the truth. She… she wouldn't want me to act like this… to be so weak in the face of tragedy. No, I have to be strong…For her.

Those thoughts reopened deep wounds, ones that had never really healed. It hurt… a years worth of pain and sorrow came rushing back, tearing through what joy I had left. The tears flowed freely, rolling down my cheeks and dripping off; hitting the ladder quietly.

"Etan…I-I'm sorry…" I cried out, letting loose all of my sorrow out to the winds… all the pain I had put myself through… All for my lost love… How could I have been so selfish? There were those around me who truly cared, who may even know how I feel… Yet, I curled up and hid, letting the misery fester within me, the pain burrowing into my heart like a parasite, feeding off what little warmth I could find and poisoning my thoughts.

I can't bring her back…but I still have the memories of our time together… I failed her once, but that won't happen again… Suicide isn't the answer; I would only be throwing away my own life, something she would never have forgiven me for. I took a few shaky breaths, trying to calm myself down. Dancing on the brink of making such a foolish choice, along with the torrent of memories had left me a bit weak in the joints.

It's high time I stop wallowing in pity, Etan would have wanted me to cherish her memory not drown myself in it. The sun had risen enough to pass by the Department store, casting its warm rays outward across the farm. I looked up, into the now risen sun, blinking tears from my eyes, watching as it cast its warm rays outward across the farm.

Funny to think just a few minutes ago the sight of it only made things worse, yet now it doesn't. I guess… Finally letting go of the past and trying to embrace a new day can have that effect, though I'm still not sure about myself. Sigh, I'll never be complete without her, but that shouldn't stop me trying to move on. It still hurt, but at least now… I'm thinking clearer; life is something we only have one shot at, throwing mine away just because of what happened is a fool's errand.

I took a moment to calm down a bit and clear my eyes, coming out of a suicidal depression only to slip and fall didn't seem a fitting end to my life. Maybe…maybe I should just let it go… not the memory of my lost Etan, but my failure… Her memory would always live on in my heart, but no longer would it be darkened by doubt and self-loathing; it was time to begin a new day.

It's funny, I climbed up without trouble yet getting back down was hard; ladders are definitely not made for quadrupeds. How humans seemingly bound up those thin bars is something I'll never understand. The metal groaned with each step downward, threatening to collapse and send me to an early meeting with the ground.

Thankfully Blake wasn't a cheapskate and the ladder was solid enough to support my weight for a short time. That did little to easy my worry however. I'm a sensible Swampert; anything that shakes while you're on it should be avoided at all costs. Lucky for me, the ground is soft enough to not break any bones from jumping a shorter distance; about 5 feet I'd say. That doesn't mean the landing will be graceful, which was proven when my face and the dirt had an intimate meeting.

"Ow… maybe it's a good thing I didn't jump." I took a moment to rub a particularly tender spot when something caught my eye. A pair of bright green eyes watched me from the nearby forest, their owner probably laughing at my fall. At least I think so… the dust in my eyes made them water, so it could have been just a mirage.

No matter, I was off that accursed ladder. Now the hard part could begin; working up the courage to face Blake…I know he'll listen, but am I ready to talk? There's a human saying about how a long journey starts short… something about miles… but that beginning is what I still fear. Will it reawaken my desire for death? Will I forget about Etan and simply move on? For that matter, will it do anything?

o0o0o0o0o0o0

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"Bleh, couldn't I have started feeling better after the Blake did some grocery shopping?" The refrigerator was bare except for half a sandwich of questionable age and a few cans of soda. The former was out of the question; I could smell the mold growing on what might have been ham on wheat, so the soda would have to do.

My paws are not quite made for pulling on those small tabs, but teeth make a good substitute. There is a minor chance of cutting myself, but, when you're alone, some risks have to be taken. So, with a sigh I pulled one of the colorful cans out and closed the door.

There are advantages to living here; one of which is that Blake keeps a fair number of backless chairs around. He knows how difficult it is to sit in a human styled chair when you have a tail. It's been too long since I actually cared about where I am; mostly it was sitting in my room or doing various chores.

Now that I look, there isn't much to miss. A low-slung table with space for six I would guess, though only three chairs were in evidence. Beyond that it was surprisingly bare, only a single cabinet filled with small bottles broke the dull white paint scheme. Didn't matter to me, that stuff never made much sense; Blake tried explaining it once, but I could have cared less then. He really needs to decorate more, maybe a small picture or two; something to at least break up the monotone. But, rather than stand around distracting myself by thinking about décor I sat down; trying to ignore the quiet protests from my chair.

Time crept by, giving me a chance to look back at my recent actions. A year has gone by and I've done nothing but mope and make the only ones who stood up for me miserable; not a very good way to say thanks. Sure, I'm still feeling miserable over my loss but… it lost its edge. It was like, what once was an open wound had begun to scab over, leaving a dull ache behind. Only when I no longer draw breath will she truly die; so long as I am here, the memories of what we had will life on. The hole in my heart left by her passing will never fully heal, but at least… I know we'll be together… in dreams. In that peaceful time between the physical plane and what lies beyond be can be reunited, if only for a short time-

The sound of a door slamming outside shook me from my reminiscing, alerting me to Blake's return. Well, I guess it's time to grow up and face my problem like an adult; no more crying alone. But first things first, I should at least help them bring in the groceries…at least I would have if Blake and Dan hadn't managed it by themselves before I could even stand up.

There's just something about a Breloom balancing four heavy bags on what passes as arms for them that you just can't help but watch. For having such stumpy claws he managed with little trouble… well, he did half drag himself out of the room after Blake took them. Well, it was now or never… with a small grunt I stood up, walking over to where the fridge and leaning on the door gently.

"Blake, can we talk?" He looked up quickly, having not noticed my approach.

"Sure…is something wrong?" He doesn't know the half of it.

"Well… sort of." Even though I'd decided to at least verbalize my thoughts to him, that doesn't mean it would easy. Blake, at least seemed to understand, which I guess is a start.

"Okay… would you help me put everything away first?" I nodded slowly, hoping that I wouldn't lose my nerve. It only took a few minutes as they had only purchased a few basic things; Monday was the usual grocery day. Once that was done, Blake took the other soda out of the fridge, opening it with a small pop.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" He gave me a concerned look, probably thinking I was going to tell him I was going to try and kill myself again.

"Well…" I looked down, trying to find the right words to express what I was feeling. "It's about Etan…" Blake nodded slowly, motioning to the table. I took the hint, walking slowly back to my seat and settling in; finally opening the can I had with a tooth. He took up the chair directly across from me, setting his own can down and sighing softly.

"I was wondering when she would come up." His voice was soft; much like how a parent would talk to a troubled child. It annoyed me at first, but something about his warm gaze melted away that feeling. "Etan was really special to you, wasn't she?"

"She was more than that; she was someone I cared about." I took a long drink, draining the can in one go and crushing it between my paws. "Etan…she was more than just another human to me, more than a friend…" I started to choke up, not wanting to tell him something so personal yet knowing that it must be said.

"She was my mate…" Blake was silent, finding out something that against the norm probably left him in shock.

"You two didn't…" I stared for a moment, fighting back a soft chuckle.

"Once." It felt strange…No less than an hour ago even thinking about it would have plunged me back into the icy depths of depression, yet now… I almost want to laugh at Blake's rather sour look.

"She… Never said anything…"

"We kept our relationship quiet; no doubt it would have brought up some hard to explain questions. But… the feelings between us were genuine and that's all that mattered. But now, she's gone…and it's my fault. I… I should have stopped the mugger before…" Blake placed a hand on my paw, somehow calming me.

"I know… but you can't change the past." How could he understand what I was going through, he'd never lost someone close to him?

"I miss her…" I ignored the single tear rolling down my cheek, focusing on the warmth from his hand.

"I know Blackglade, I know…"

End


End file.
